Allowing Yourself To Heal

Hey Y’all Hey!!!

 I’m back to bring a little “Monica Magic” your way! Okay so by now hopefully you have been keeping up with my posts and enjoying getting to know me. Here’s a little fun fact that I haven’t disclosed as of yet….I was a HORRIBLE child when it came to going to church! I gave my mom a run for her money each and every Sunday she tried to wake me up to get ready to go. I literally cried, kicked, screamed, ANYTHING that I thought would get me out of having to go. See, a lady never tells her age but back then they didn’t have children’s church at my church like they have now. Children’s church? Heck they didn’t even have cushioned seats! The thought of actually sitting down quietly and being still for hours at a time wasn’t something I was too fond of so I showed my behind to get out of it. My momma don’t take no mess so sometimes it worked, most times it didn’t.

As a teenager my attitude was bad and I became difficult to deal with. Once on my own of course church was not a priority. I worked my tail off to better myself but exactly how much “better” can one be when you have no direction in life? Things I’d been through I was holding inside and just living my life as if they never existed. Going into adulthood I started feeling homesick, not for my parents’ house, but for my church home. Finally being honest with myself I knew I couldn’t handle everything on my own. I got my tail back in church and just in the nick of time but still not full time.

I was two months shy of being 27 when I had my daughter. Being a single parent was not something I’d seen in my future. Like I said in my intro blog his reaction to my pregnancy was completely out of left field. I didn’t have the time to even be mad because I was a first time mom and I was determined to get it right or at least close to it. It wasn’t until she was older and I realized that he was serious about being a deadbeat that the anger set in. I would often look at her and think “How in the world could he live life without her?! How could he go through each day without seeing her beautiful face?!”  My father would call just to hear her cooing or crying in the background. I loved his love for her but I’ll admit I was low key upset that it wasn’t her own father on the other end.

As time passed and it was a definite that I didn’t have him to call on when I needed help with her or relief, financially nor time wise, my anger came to a head. With stress causing my health to fade and fast I knew I had to find an outlet. My mother did not get her children baptized because she felt that was a decision we needed to make for ourselves when we were ready. I had too many broken pieces and I was breaking faster than I could repair myself so I gave it over to God instead. I finally got baptized and it was a true blessing that my daughter was there to witness it. My healing could finally begin.

Unlike me, my baby is an angel in church. She absolutely loves going to children’s church. Now that I’m not in this alone I’m able to better deal with my situation. I’m a single mom and that is what it is. I know her needs are mine to handle. I thank Him daily for the people in our lives that are a part of our much needed village. Do I still have moments when I want to ring his neck? Yes. Do I sometimes sit and think of how exhausted I am and wanna text him and tell him off REAL good because he gets all his time to himself to do with whatever he likes without a care in the world? Absolutely. I’m not perfect but I’m definitely a work in progress.

Having my daughter in my life day in and day out is a blessing. I silently watch as his life goes from bad to worse. I don’t wish any ill will on anyone but what did he expect? I remember being that person, lost without any sense of direction. I wouldn’t want to be in that place ever again. Being able to smile, be happy in my faith and a strong woman for my daughter makes it all so worth it. I came a long way from the damaged goods I was. I found my outlet through faith and lots of prayer. I don’t believe in fighting an uphill battle so I figured I’d save myself the heartache and pain by not putting any more time and effort in trying to literally make someone do what they don’t want to. Once you are able to let go and move past all the hurt the realization that you are a single mom then you can finally pay more attention to what’s most important…your babies!!! 

Until next time you guys, be on the lookout for more from your girl MoGeSu!!

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